So here I am back at our Patch of Paradise, and of course, Spring already has two jobs requiring my immediate attention: 1. Mow the grass. 2. Trim the trees out of the blackberry patch. I hung my head and sighed, "Yes, ma'am." Then when she wasn't listening, I think I may have let an expletive slip....I'm not completely sure about that...I may have lost consciousness for a couple seconds.
1. Mow.....
Cowboy's parting words as I was heading back home from the Western Edge, "Don't mow until I get the mower ready."
Ok. Question: How do I obey both Spring and Cowboy? Clearly, it's rhetorical...I can't. So....thinking on my feet, I called Cowboy and asked him if I (me...the humble, dutiful wife) could get the mower ready. He said yes and started blurting out technical terms like grease gun, mower deck, spindles...blah blah blah. Apparently...just grease. Ok. I've seen it done.
Have you ever felt like you were using arms and hands that weren't yours? That describes my greasing fiasco. In case you've never greased anything, I'll give you the run-down.
Locate and wipe off each grease zerk.
With one hand fit the coupler at the end of the grease gun hose over the zerk making sure it clamps on, then hold it there.
With another hand, grip the grease gun and hold it steady.
With your third hand, squeeze the grease gun handle several pumps till you think it won't hold any more grease.
The grease gun sensed I don't have the third hand necessary to do the job correctly and sprung to life, refusing to attach to the zerks, jumping out of my gripping hand, slopping grease where grease shouldn't go. We wrestled for a minute, I broke its will, we got the job done. Greasing 3 zerks shouldn't have taken as long as it did....oh well. In case Cowboy asks, it was the grease gun who put grease on the belt...I was the one who painstakingly cleaned it up.
Still wearing my victor's crown, I checked the oil, fueled 'er up and mowed. Ah, it looked just like a golf course when I finished. Enough for one day.
Day 2 ..... What was the next item on the list? Oh yeah...
2. Trim the trees out of the blackberry patch....
The blackberry patch...despite its existence, Cowboy & I are still married.
I said, "I'd like to plant a few blackberries."
He heard: "I'd like to have 500 blackberry plants so we can sell the berries and make a monstrous amount of cash."
He said, "Ok. I'll get you some berries and make you a patch."
I heard: "I'll get you about 20 plants and make a little patch for you."
Have you pictured my blackberry patch in your imagination? It's gargantuan... and, well....overwhelming. I've not nurtured it as I should have....so little (some bigger than little) trees have sprouted all over. Armed with my pruner and lopper, I headed to the patch...American Logger style. Most of the trees' trunks were narrow in diameter. I easily cut them with the pruner and stacked them on the gator. A few trees were bigger and required the loppers. Nothing cries out "WIMP!" louder than a set of loppers whose blades are poised on a little tree trunk. I was actually angry ...angry...that I didn't have strength enough to cut those trees. Sweat was pouring down my forehead and into my eyes. This was not good....not good.
I was determined to get those trees OUT. I devised a new way to use loppers. I positioned the blades on the trunk, gripped the lopper handles, put them between my knees and squeezed my knees together while pushing with my arms. It was like a thigh master. I was out there grunting like a weight-lifter.
Once the brush pile on the gator was practically unwieldy, I drove it to the big brush pile to unload. You should come over with a video camera when I'm doing physical labor...you'd have millions of hits on YouTube. I can't even describe my unloading procedure. I think I grabbed an armload of brush, got slapped in the face, poked in the eye, and with zero grace whatsoever, I hurled the brush onto the main pile. Oh, yeah...while making sure all the branches were laying in the same direction so it will be easier for his highness do deal with........
The harder I worked, the angrier I became. Then it came to me: a new bucket list item. You'd think it would be strength training to improve my upper-body strength. You'd be wrong. I'm too
No.... the bucket list item of 2014......
Learn to use a chainsaw!
I told Cowboy of my idea. He laughed. I'm sure he's telling all his friends what cute things I say. "Awwww...the things my wife says.....how cute." Like we moms do when the kids say cute stuff.
But I'm dead serious. I've already got the protective eye wear, the gloves, the earmuffs. I just need some chaps, a couple lessons and a bunch trees. Look out!
Vrooom vroom!!
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